Καπου Καποτε

Recently I had a very dark night of the soul, I almost lost everything, so I came to realise a few things, those things could not have been described better than something that I read recently by Pythagoras and it's unfortunately in Greek, not because I can't translate it through to English but when I feel I feel in Greek, and when I think, I think quicker in English...

So please forgive me my friends if this is all Greek to you....and just look at the pretty pictures.

So up until recently....

Εγραφα στο χιονι...

Καθησα πανω σε χοινικα...

Ετρωγα την καρδια μου...

Βαδισα σε λεωφορους...

Εδινα το χερι μου πολυ ευκολα σε ανθρωπο,

Δεχτηκα ζωα που ειχαν γαμψα νυχια

Κοιμηθηκα πολλα μεσημερια

Δεν αποφυγα τις νυφιτσes

Εβαζα λυχνιες απανω στους τοιχους....

Και πολλες φορες εβαζα ολα τα δεματια των ξυλων στην φωτια...

Αλλα ποτε δεν.....

Δεν εφαγα με το αριστερο μου χερι.

Δεν σκουπισα το καθισμα με σιδερο

Ουτε κολλησα σιδερο στα χναρια ενος ανθρωπου

Δεν επιασα ποτε σουπια,

Οταν βροντουσε, αγγιζα το εδαφος

Δεν αφησα ποτε το παραμικρο σημαδι της χυτρας στην σταχτη

Δεν φορεσα στενο δαχτυλιδι

Πραγματα που δεν θα μπορουσα να ζησω χωρις αυτα....

Τους γονεις μου, τον Θεο μου...

Παραλιγο να τους χασω και μαζι τους θα εχανα τον κοσμο μου...

Μπορω να ζησω χωρις πολλα πραγματα και εχω ζησει χωρις αυτα σε διαφορετικες καταστασεις, χρηματα, φιλους, σεβασμο, δουλειες και απειρα αλλα πραγματα

Αυτο που δεν ελειψε ποτε...

Αγαπη, ισως το μεγαλυτερο πραγμα που παιρνουμε for granted (I never said that I was perfect)

Οι εικονες...

Το στεφανι..

Παντου οπου και εαν πηγαιναμε παιρναμε αυτα τα τρια πραγματα μαζι μας και ξεραμε εαν καναμε stick together we can get through anything...

Οπως και το καναμε...

Και ετσι για αλλη μια φορα, τα εφερε ετσι ο Θεος που μου εμαθε ξανα τοσα πραγματα,

Να μην παιρνω ποτε το σπιτι μου for granted,

Να χαιρομαι αφανταστα με αυτα που εχω, γιατι οτι και εαν εχω ειμαι πολυ πιο ευτηχισμενη απο αλλους που αυτην την στιγμη δεν εχουν...

Να εκτιμαω τους φιλους μου

Να σεβομαι τους εχθρους μou

Και να ξερω οτι τιποτα δεν γινεται χωρις δουλεια, πιστη, και αγαπη.

Those are my pearls of wisdom...

Sometimes, when I'm writing things I feel them so deeply at the point in time that I'm writing them, that after I read them they sound a bit corny so if they do forgive me, I am that I am, and what I am needs no excuses, I deal my own deck, sometimes the ace sometimes the deuces.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWSobRjebkk

It's all about me!!

It's really funny, lately I've had a lot of time to myself,

Not that I haven't been going out, but I've just had alot of time to think
and reassess where I'm at...who I am, who my friends are, real and imagined :)

Then I realised this, that for a very long time I've had locked myself away,
Been frozen in time, I didn't feel alive...

I had learnt at a very young age to hide my feelings, to make all my bad dreams seem
like almost nothing, with just a shake of my head, I would go into neutral.

Years passed like that, for what seemed like eons.

Until it was ok for me to come back out again, slowly I took out this hurt child,
and all of the pain that I couldn't deal with at that time, I dealt with now.

Each pain, each hurt, each ravage on my soul, I took out, examined, healed and became whole again...

I took back my soul, without the should of others, without the pressure of being something that I was told to be.

I had time to myself to become me again...

So now I'm faced with a problem, I have this nine year old girl, that wants to live...

I want to do all the things that I didn't feel as if I was doing then...

I want to go to luna parks and go on really fast rides,

I want to dance in the streets, I want to break free and sing,
And God help whoever hears me, because I sing out of tune sometimes, but I don't care
I walk the streets, singing, smiling at complete strangers and they think that I'm coming on to them....which is kind of sad.

I want to go horse riding,

I want to go on the beach and play with sand castles,

I want to fly!!!!!!!!!

It's as if I've broken free out of a prison and I feel free to feel what I want, so I'm feeling love,
not just love, but being in love with everything and everyone.

I look at butterflies, and birds and I want to fly away like them...

Are these the first signs of madness?? I wonder!!

Maybe after all that's happened I've finally lost it and I'll be like the pigeon lady who's singing at the street, I'll be covered in bird poo, and smell really badly.

Reality is very grounding though, I have a job to take care of and parents to raise, and as we all know, it's hard to raise parents at this day and age....

But every day, there's a butterfly that comes outside my window and sings out for me to join her, and my spirit flies off with her....

Things I want to pass on to my kids.

These are the kind of values that I want to pass on to my kids...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKgcLg3qf08

That Angels exist, in all shapes and sizes,

That we can all do our part to help others, no matter who it is.

That to forgive is one of the greatest lessons that we have ever learned.

That good friends are hard to come by and you should stand by them no matter what.

That we should live life with Honesty and Integrity always, and if you have to step on someone else to get to where you want to then you're really not going anywhere.

That going with your own Cross in Hand, does actually pay off.

That we are here to fulfil a divine plan, and we have to do everything in our power to start our light work.

That we are one with nature, plants, animals, and if we don't take care of it, it won't take care of us.

and finally we are all God's Children, we were made in His perfect image and that everything is going the way it's supposed to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4JPx0eZdJQ&feature=related

So be it.

My Soul mate

I saw this video and cried!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11thhldLhxM&feature=related



I am exasperated with the universe for not sending him my way so I'm putting it out there...so I'm asking you Angels...

Send him my way...I call forth all my issues.

And yes I am being silly but I know he's out there.

Thank you

This is a personal thank you note to all my friends....that even if we are far away from one another, I'm only a call away. It's a very personal note so bear with me...

From those of you that know me, you know that I have an insatiable need to live, to love and to be loved, to protect, to heal, but most of all nowadays to know myself...

I used to have an insatiable need to eat, it used to be all consuming, I used to wake up and go to bed thinking about connoseur ice cream, you know the one, cafe grande, the one with the almonds in it and grand marnier sauce, the one that I don't think about any more...the one that I used to produce at dinner parties as desert....meanwhile eating myself into oblivion so I could hide what I was feeling and procrastinate, and as you know I'm a great procrastinator...

I then realised that food was just a cover so that I could mask things out, the erosion in my soul when my parents fought, my Polyanna attitude in trying to see the good and the light in everyone...the money problems that we used to have and the fact that whenever we had money problems everyone would run away...and come back again when things would be right again.

So all these things made me go into my shell, eat my ice cream and not want to come back out again...

Thankfully since then I have found better friends, it's easy to have friends like the above mentioned, but hard to have friends like the ones I have now.

I had sooo wished that someone would come and save me and make all my problems go away, but then I realised something...

I can save myself...!!!

I can decide for myself to do things and if it's meant to be then it's up to me.

That to be bailed out of a situation is not actually doing me any good, but to actually find solutions on my own is so self empowering and self growing that I really wished it would have happened sooner so I can grow quicker....

So to all those friends who have bailed me out of a situation just like I used to do, THANK YOU!!!
I DO SO LOVE YOU AND APPRECIATE YOU!!!

To those who haven't bailed me out of situations but offered me viable solutions so I can work things out on my own, A Double thank you!!!! I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFULL!!!

To those who didn't even know what has been happening....you're probably not a close friend and not reading this post... So nah nah- nah nah nah!!!

Love you and miss you all!!!!!

T

Live a life that Matters

Ready or Not, Someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises,

No Minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected, owned, treasured or forgotten,

will pass on to someone else..

Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.

So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do-lists will all expire.

The wins and loses that once seemed important will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived.

At the end it won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built.

What will matter is not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a Life that Matters doesn't happen by accident.

It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

The Mouse and I

Let me Paint you a picture...

My last day in the land of Oz.

Packing, saying goodbye to beloved friends, and some not so beloved memories,

making sure there are no unfinished business with anyone...or leaving any presents behind...

Just so I won't have to go back anytime soon :)

Then on my many trips to and fro from the lounge here is The Mouse.

That bloody mouse that has caused me to scream out when it scurried under my feet in the kitchen...

The one that ate my goat's cheese...(really expensive in Oz...)

The one who no one believed me that existed...

THAT MOUSE....

This was the first time it sat still enough for me to observe it.

It was actually a pretty mouse, white with spots on it, almost like a pet mouse...

So we sat staring at each other ;

The mouse frozen in fear, me in fascination.

I decided to do the Good Samaritan thingee of taking it outside in the yard so it can frighten off a cat..

It didn't move much it just sat there looking at me, it then turned around and faced the corner...

Like those children who have seen the Mbamboula (boogie man to my english speaking friends), so instead they hide under their covers,

Like I used to do, as if that would make the darkness go away...

I decided that it was too scared and it could hurt itself so I let it be.

I went on doing my thing of packing and cleaning, making sure that I didn't leave any presents behind...

Then I kept on noticing that the mouse wasn't moving.

Still sitting there, looking at the corner, breathing really laboured...

I go closer, prod it's little tail (with gloves on) nothing...

I soon realised that it had died of it's own fear.

Sitting and staring at a corner frozen and paralysed, not having lived his or her life because of fear...

I started to cry because for years on end, I was the one facing that wall!!

Frozen in fear thinking that everyone is bigger than me and so I stuffed my face with food trying to quell those fears.

Trying to please others and by that being inferior, wounded....

I screamed at the mouse to wake up, I even considered mouth to mouth rescicitation (I did say considered, didn't I??)

But alas, the mouse was dead, and I realised that I was still alive, alive to make the choice of not being afraid.

Alive to still make something out of myself, and not to let fear make another decision for me.

Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to lie to myself, and to others (darn that pisses me off, here I was thinking what a good liar I was, but I was visible to everyone...I didn't get away with anything...)

So here are my truths:

1. You cannot love someone enough to make them love you

2. The little girl I thought lost is still with me, she never left, she's just pissed off at me, but I found out that I still believe in LOVE, and Passion, and the Good in people, and I DO, I DO, I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!!!!

3. I Believe in a sacred marriage, not what it's made out to be today and definitely not someone's warped belief of living in separate houses with kids in either one, having a second house so they can have affairs in it... (Sorry Mate)

4. I will never again compare my insides with someone else's outsides...

5. I will always love me, honour me, and be true to me for who I am right now, not who I'm going to be 30 kilos from now...and whoever doesn't do the same for me, can take a hike as well...

6. I will no longer live in my past, with ghosts who are alive today...

7. I will not compromise my integrity, and whoever I associate has to have that as well...

8. I will not fight the darkness for the soul of anyone again that doesn't want to be saved...

I have lost one too many battles that way...

9. I have and I will always have time for my friends, and those who know me well enough should know that I may have my little wayward ways, but I'm there for them...

10. I pledge my truth to you. Now and forever, no insecurities, no fears, no jealousies.