My last day in the land of Oz.
Packing, saying goodbye to beloved friends, and some not so beloved memories,
making sure there are no unfinished business with anyone...or leaving any presents behind...
Just so I won't have to go back anytime soon :)
Then on my many trips to and fro from the lounge here is The Mouse.
That bloody mouse that has caused me to scream out when it scurried under my feet in the kitchen...
The one that ate my goat's cheese...(really expensive in Oz...)
The one who no one believed me that existed...
THAT MOUSE....
This was the first time it sat still enough for me to observe it.
It was actually a pretty mouse, white with spots on it, almost like a pet mouse...
So we sat staring at each other ;
The mouse frozen in fear, me in fascination.
I decided to do the Good Samaritan thingee of taking it outside in the yard so it can frighten off a cat..
It didn't move much it just sat there looking at me, it then turned around and faced the corner...
Like those children who have seen the Mbamboula (boogie man to my english speaking friends), so instead they hide under their covers,
Like I used to do, as if that would make the darkness go away...
I decided that it was too scared and it could hurt itself so I let it be.
I went on doing my thing of packing and cleaning, making sure that I didn't leave any presents behind...
Then I kept on noticing that the mouse wasn't moving.
Still sitting there, looking at the corner, breathing really laboured...
I go closer, prod it's little tail (with gloves on) nothing...
I soon realised that it had died of it's own fear.
Sitting and staring at a corner frozen and paralysed, not having lived his or her life because of fear...
I started to cry because for years on end, I was the one facing that wall!!
Frozen in fear thinking that everyone is bigger than me and so I stuffed my face with food trying to quell those fears.
Trying to please others and by that being inferior, wounded....
I screamed at the mouse to wake up, I even considered mouth to mouth rescicitation (I did say considered, didn't I??)
But alas, the mouse was dead, and I realised that I was still alive, alive to make the choice of not being afraid.
Alive to still make something out of myself, and not to let fear make another decision for me.
Somewhere along the way, I lost the ability to lie to myself, and to others (darn that pisses me off, here I was thinking what a good liar I was, but I was visible to everyone...I didn't get away with anything...)
So here are my truths:
1. You cannot love someone enough to make them love you
2. The little girl I thought lost is still with me, she never left, she's just pissed off at me, but I found out that I still believe in LOVE, and Passion, and the Good in people, and I DO, I DO, I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES!!!!
3. I Believe in a sacred marriage, not what it's made out to be today and definitely not someone's warped belief of living in separate houses with kids in either one, having a second house so they can have affairs in it... (Sorry Mate)
4. I will never again compare my insides with someone else's outsides...
5. I will always love me, honour me, and be true to me for who I am right now, not who I'm going to be 30 kilos from now...and whoever doesn't do the same for me, can take a hike as well...
6. I will no longer live in my past, with ghosts who are alive today...
7. I will not compromise my integrity, and whoever I associate has to have that as well...
8. I will not fight the darkness for the soul of anyone again that doesn't want to be saved...
I have lost one too many battles that way...
9. I have and I will always have time for my friends, and those who know me well enough should know that I may have my little wayward ways, but I'm there for them...
10. I pledge my truth to you. Now and forever, no insecurities, no fears, no jealousies.
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